Death Valley

This 2011 MTV show is a great idea, a fly-on-the-wall show about cops, an Undead Task Force, who have to deal with vampires, zombies and werewolves. I just wish its makers knew what they wanted their show to be. A spoof on a 'Cops' type show or a gory Reno 911.

The comedy is sometimes funny but it gets in the way later on when the series starts to take itself a tad more seriously. The fly-on-the-wall accepts are soon dropped after about ten minutes of the pilot.

The makers must have soon realised that plots couldn't fold naturally if it always had to be when a camera crew were with the main characters. And what an unlikeable bunch they are. One is obsessed with banging his female partner. Another obsessed with banging any female and a captain who is obsessed with banging anyone. A captain who is a closet case, oh my aching sides.  

It also has the balls to have a go at some of the things wrong with True Blood while at the same time as never sorting out some of the things wrong with its own shows flawed logic.

Why don’t this special police force have better armoured uniforms so it would be impossible for a vampire to bite necks or a zombie to nibble arms?

It does get better towards the end and the make up and gore effects are pretty good for what must be a low budget TV show. Shame it was staked in the heart so soon and wasn’t given another chance to rise from the dead.

5 out of 10 blood bags

Dark Shadows

When you hear the actors from the original daytime soap talk about Dark Shadows you could be forgiven for thinking they had made a high end quality drama such as Downton Abbey. They seem to be under the misapprehension that they weren't making a daft low budget soap.

The soap itself is a great idea very badly done by the tech of the day, whereas the film is a wonderful idea done as if it’s still episodes of a long lost show. It is very staged and over the top. Great characters disappear after very little use never to be seen again. The plot is a nonsense lacking in any real drive or forward momentum.

Yet I do have a soft spot for the film. A few over used vampire tropes are played out yet again but I forgive it for those. The fact Barnabas sometimes smokes in the sunlight and sometimes doesn't is a tad iffy. The makers should make up their minds of their myth.

Johnny Depp as always is having a whale of a time over acting and bring a real star performance to a piece which in other hands could have been ropey at best.

Some Tim Burton films can sometimes come across as fun but a bit hollow and fake looking. Whereas Dark Shadows harks back to the solid world building he did in such films as Batman Returns and Edward Scissorhands.

I wonder if being a fan of the show helps in the enjoyment. I don’t think it was well known outside of the core fans so people dismissed it as yet another comedy vampire film. I've known of the soap for years and used to watch the odd episode when they were shown at ungodly hours on channels tucked away in the back of beyond. The 1990s series I knew because I bought the box set and that again was a great idea but done at a snails pace.

I think it’s about time the idea was played for real and not laughs and a TV show was attempted again. 

Great ideas like vampires never die.

Soap: 5 out of 10 blood bags.

Series: 7 out of 10 blood bags.

Film: 7 out of 10 blood bags.

Blade

Really when you start reviewing vampire films you should by the law of vampire films start with a Dracula film. Since, after all, he is the king of all vampires. But I've never been one to follow convention so I'm starting with Blade.

Why Blade I hear you ask and if you didn't ask then you stopped reading a while ago. Blade was the first DVD I ever bought and since I will be reviewing DVDs I might as well start with the first. It was the film that reignited my love for all things vampire. I hadn't fallen out of love with those bloody creatures of the night but it had been a while since I had loved a film so must. Interview with the Vampire being the one before that. But I will talk about that some other time I'm guessing. 

I think what I love about Blade is that it made the vampire cool again. Before this they had a tenancy to be perfumed ponces who hated being vampires. I bore of those from time to time. I like my vampires to love being vampires. It’s the greatest thing in the world. Never age and live forever. Who wouldn't want that?

Blade also showed the business side of the vampire world. Laws, rules and a hierarchy, something which has been used since in other books and films. Because of course the vampire world would have a ruling class. If you have been around for centuries of course you are going to get your house in order and make sure the new bloodsuckers coming to the fold don’t bloody the playing fields for the rest of you.

It seems odd now that this really is the first Marvel film. Looking forward to the empire it is today, maybe it’s time to revisit the Blade stories and start fresh. Some say Wesley Snipes can’t be replaced and goodness knows they tried for Blade the TV series. How weird just this second I Googled Wesley Snipes to make sure I spelt him name right and there are reports from the last few days that he wants to return to the role for a fourth film. Right I approve. As if he was waiting for me to tell him it was OK. Well I look forward to yet more great films with a great strong character.

8 out of 10 blood bags.